Batman: the parody
by lozza1989
Summary: This is a funny parody of the first Batman movie.It has mixture of eighties and mordern day stuff. NO FLAMES OR ELSE!.Please read and review.I need reviews people.
1. Chapter 1

Batman: the Parody

Disclaimer: Please note that I do not own the first Batman movie, it is legal property of Tim Burton so don't sue me!

Now to the story:

It was just an ordianry night in Gotham city, people were running around, beating the hell out of each other for personal reasons like wanting to rob them stupid or just generally being thugs. A man, a Woman and their precious little boy were so desperate to get a taxi that they had to throw stones at them in order to stop, but the Taxi drivers of Gotham were so ignorant that they just didn't stop for this not-so-important-family-of-three.

"Dammit, can't you get us a god damn Taxi Harold?" the Woman asked. "Shut up woman, I'm trying to get a bloody taxi" Harold retorted as he attempted to stop another Taxi. "Daaaaaaaaaad, you're going the wrong way" said the boy. "Shut up Jimmy, I know what I'm doing" his Dad snapped. "Ah stuff this, let's cut down this seemingly ordinary alley which is infested with thugs that will probaly rob me stupid" said Pathetic Harold. "Dad, if you wanna cut over to seventh, then You should try that way" Jimmy suggested, pointing to a much more safer route. "Shut up, I know what I'm doing" Harold replied smugly.

A prostitute came out of nowhere and was attempting to chat up little Jimmy. "Ewww, get off me lady, I'm only twelve". The Prossy was non-to-pleased when his parents pulled him away and walked over to the seemingly-innocent-alleyway-which-was-properly-infested-with-thugs-that-will-properly-rob-this-poor-unimportant-family-stupid.

As the unsuspecting family were walking down this sinister alleyway, a spotty teenaged Arsehole was demanded money.

"Oi, you Bastard, gimmi some money now" he said in a menacing tone. Harold ignored the Arsehole and pulled his family away. Just as they were about to turn the conrer, another Arsehole appeared out of nowhere, clobbered poor Harold over the head and then pointed a gun at poor little Jimmy and his mother. "Don't scream, bitch" he warned as the spotty Arsehole stole Harold's wallet. After the Arseholes ran off, Harolds stupid wife screamed and ran to her poor Husband.

A few minutes later, the Arseholes were sat on a roof somewhere, admiring the items they had just stole. "Woah, I got a credit card" said the first Arsehole in admirement. "Hey, that's mine" said the second Arsehole snatching the card away.

"I don't like it up here" the first Arsehole complained. "What, you scared of heights or something" the second Arsehole taunted. "I dunno, you remember what happened to Johnny Gobbs?" he asked. "Look, he committed suicide by jumping off a roof" he told the first Arsehole, but the first Arsehole disagreed.

"That's not what I heard, I heard that he got caught...by the Bat". The second Arsehole laughed. "There ain't no bat, you've probaly just imagined it".

As the Arseholes start bickering about what happened to this Johnny Gobbs fella, the silouette of a giant Bat dramaticly drops down from the sky and advances on the unsuspecting Arseholes.

"Look, there isn't no Bat. Now let's cut this money between us". As they began to count the money they stole, the sound of feet walking on gravel can be heard above them. They look up and see a Giant Bat which jumps down and kicks the First Arsehole into a door. The second arsehole attempts to escape, but the giant Bat stops him by wrapping this piece of Rope with a bat symbol at the end around his Ankle. He then gets the Arsehole by the collar and dangles him over the roof. It's a long way down.

"Don't kill me, please don't kill me" begged the Not-so-tough-Arsehole who was starting to cry. "I'm not going to kill you, I want you to tell all you're buds about me" the Giant Bat growled. "Who are you?" the Arsehole sobbed. "I'm Batman" said the Bat.

The Arsehole looked confused then asked

"Really?"

And Batman replied "Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

(Tim Burton gets fed up as this goes on so he decides to add a four hour commercial break which featured The Joker doing the Macarena)

Four long boring hours later

"Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

"Really?"

"Really"

Audience: Get on with it.

Batman gets fed up with the Arsehole, so he throws him back onto the roof and he jumps off. The now wimpy Arsehole looked over the ledge and discovered that the mysterious Bat had mysteriously disapeared. The Arsehole gasped and fainted dramaticly like a girl.


	2. Annoying gits and Sinister dudes

Annoying Gits and sinister dudes

Elsehwere in Gotham, a meeting was taking place. Some black dude who was well known as playing Lando callrission in star wars was playing a guy who's name was Harvey Dent (who would become Two-face in the furture and even though he's supposed to be white, this dude is Black!) and he was discussing the crime and beating the hell outta each other that went on in the city.

"This place is a dangerous threat to decent people, you'd thing that the people who live here are treating other citizens like Human punchbags". The paparazzi was continuing the take photos as he proceeded to discuss the issue.

"Gotham is infested with Crime, and I, Harvey dent shall put an end to this" he hollered as he raised his fist into the air "I SHALL END CRIME AND MAKE THIS A SAFE PLACE FOR DECENT PEOPLE" he hollered.

As he went on and on, the scene is transformed into some woman's penthouse apartment where the walls were covered with photos of some Woman doing modeling and in this Woman's pentthouse apartment was this guy who had a bearing resembelence to Jack Nicholson was shuffling a deck of cards around whilst watching the lecture that Harvey Dent was giving on the 150 inch plasma widescreen tv. A tall Blonde Woman came in a dusted around his shoes.

"Decent people shouldn't live in this dump" said the Jack Nicholson look-alike. "They'd be happier if they lived in happy town or someplace like that". The Blonde Woman stopped dusting around his shoes and sat on the arm of his chair.

"You said some pretty harsh things about Carl" she whined. "Oh stop moaning Woman, he doesn't even know about us" Replied Jack coolly."Well, what will you do if he did find out about us?" the Woman asked. Jack looked at her and gave her a toothy grin. "Then I'll rip his lungs out because I'm soon gonna be a big threat to Gotham city after a freak accident involving..." the girl placed her hand over his mouth to prevent from saying anymore. "Shut up, there's people who are watching this for the first time and you're spoiling it for them" she warned.

People who are watching Batman for the first time: Yeah, stop spoiling it for us.

"Fine" said Jack as he got to his feet "now, I must admire myself in the mirror" and he walked up the mirror and adjusted his tie. The woman slunk up beside him and placed her long, elegant and feminine hand on his right shoulder. "You look fine" she said in a flirty voice. Jack turned around to look at her instead of the blasted mirror.

"Thanks for saying so, even though I didn't ask" and he walked out of this Feminine universe.

Meanwhile, back at the area where the family where robbed by the Arseholes, Police cars and a Ambulance where now blocking off the area. One of the Arseholes was being wheeled into the back of the Ambulance.

A fat copper, who they call Ecktard or whatever was discussing to another copper about what had happened to the Arseholes. "Oh come on, A giant bat beat the crap outta them?, please" Ecktard sighed as the other Arsehole was being hauled into the back or a Policecar whilst saying "it was a Giant Bat, A giant Bat". Just then, a news reporter called Alexander Knoxx had appeared out of nowhere.

"Oh great, that Annoying Git's here" Ecktard said as he tried to walk away. Unfortunatly, Knoxx had managed to catch up with him. "Hello, it's me Knoxx, the worlds most annoying news reporter and I've heard that we've had another Bat Attack" he said chirply. Ecktard shook his head in shame and said "Sorry Knoxx, but these punks slipped on a banana peel, now go and be an annoying Git elsewhere". But Knoxx wasn't determined to give up on annoying the fat dude.

"All the punks in this town are scared shitless, they say he cannot be killed, they say he drinks blood, they say...". Ecktard had cut him off and said "I say, you are so full of Shit and you are Annoying Knoxx" and he turned to leave as Knoxx continued to be annoying "is there a 6 foot Bat running around Gotham".

Ecktard had now come to some sinister area where a bunch of Sinister dudes where hanging around. One of them lifted his head up to reveal Jack Napier (the guy who looks like Jack Nicholson) wearing a big black coat and a black Pimp's hat. He grins as Ecktard walks over to him.

"Hey Ecky, I bought you a snack" he said as he tossed a Sandwich bag to the fat Bastard. Ecktard peered into the sandwich bag to reveal a Money Sandwich inside.

"What's going on?" Ecktard demanded to know. "That Black Bastard Harvey Dent has been sniffing around our front companies and I've been having a secret affair with Carl Grissom's wife. Now you will Answer to me or die". Ecktard wasn't determined to let Jack order him about. "I only answer to Grissom, not to phycos like yourself". Jack gave Ecktard his most sinister grin yet. "You better think about the furture, you should know that I'm soon gonna be a big threat to Gotham city after a freak Accident involving..."

People who are watching Batman for the first time: You're doing it again!

"Drat, I nearly gave away about what's going to happen to me later in the film again" Jack muttered. "Oh come on" Ecktard said, rolling his eyes "you ain't got no future Jack, you and number one nutboy Grissom knows it". Pissed off, Jack pushed the fatty into a wall who took a pistol out. One of the sinister dudes who had been hanging around with Jack, magicly jumped up from behind him and pointed at pistol at Ecktard. "You'd better be sure" Jack said menacingly. Ecktard hestitated then he put the gun down. "See" said Jack "you can make a good decison when you try" and he sauntered off, Chuckling.


	3. Dat Blonde chick

Dat blonde chick

The day after, Dent was having a rather grownup yet immarture arguement with the Mayor about the city's upcoming 1000th aniversary festival.

"Look Dent,I don't give a damn how much in debt this festival is, I want beer, hotdogs, go-go-dancers the lot" the Mayor declared. Dent, who was joined by the slightly obese Commisioner Gordon declared slightly "look, alot of people might stay away, they are a bunch of chickens". The mayor wasn't relunctant to listen. "Look, you get that bastard, Grissom in that courthouse and the people will come to this festival even if I have to drag them there myself" and with that he walked off in victory.

Elsewhere in Gotham, Annoying Git, Knoxx was totering around the place that prints newspaper stories and was just being hiself.

"Welcome welcome Dracula" said one guy in a rather fake sounding transalvania accent to knoxx who promptly slapped him. "I'm not Dracula" he sobbed. "Yeah, but you've got an obsession with hunting down a giant bat with a personality" declared another guy. "Well, you can stick to your story about Aliens coming down to invade the earth" teased Knoxx laughing and walking off. He was just about to approach his work desk when he noticed a pair of rather attractive legs sprawled out across his desk.

"Woooooooh, there seems to be a pair of nice looking women's legs layed out on my desK" he said in a swooning tone . "I'm reading your stuff, it seems to be very interesting" came a female's voice that seemed to belong to the legs. "Wooooooooo, the legs speak" cheered Knoxx causing everyone in the room to give him odd stares.

"You were commenting about my attractive legs" said the female voice. Knoxx spun around and saw, sat on his chair with her legs still layed out across his desk was a blonde woman wearing a pair of glasses which looked like they belonged to Austin Powers or someone like that.

"You've got your beautiful legs still on my filthy desk. Wouldn't want them to get filthy now would we". The lady nodded nad removed her legs from the desk (ok, let's stop talking about the legs, from now on, the legs shall not be mentioned for the rest of the parody). "I'm Vicky Vale" she said, puting out her hand which Knoxx promptly shook. "Yeah I've heard about you, the photographer, the lady with the camera, the one who takes photo of stuff, the one who..."

"Shut up, you're bugging me" Vicky butted in. "Whatever, so, why are you here, planning on finding a sexy news reporter guy?" he asked with a wink. Vicky stares at him in an odd way. "No you doofus, I've come to see some of the wildlife in Gotham". Knoxx who was about to get down on one knee quickly jumped back up and asked "Like what?".

"Bats, I like bats" Vicky replied. "Who sent you, Bitch?" Knoxx demamded to know in a rather loud voice, causing poor Vicky to look startled. "No one, I loved your story on the giant bat" she replied. "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhht, so you going to that rich guy's party?" he asked. "You mean Bruce Wayne, will he be there?" she asked.

"I think so, only I'll never know because I didn't get invited" he said with a sniff. Vicky was rummaging through his paper and pulled out to invitations. "Who says you ain't invited". Cheering up, Knoxx grabbed the Invitation from her and kissed it. "Yes, I can finally meet Bruce Wayne, the richest guy in Gotham, oh Vicky I was wondering" he got down on one knee and pulled out a plastic ring that he had got out of the twenty pence machine that was situated outside Axis Chemicals(we'll get to that place later) and asked "will you be my wife?". Startled, Vikcy slapped him. "No you diff, I only go for attractive rich guys" and she walked off.

That nigh, in the lair of Mob leader and rather creepy, Carl Grissom,a bunch of gangsters were holding a meeting.

"If this Harvey Dent makes a connection with us and with Axis Chemicals what damage are we looking at" he said in a menacing tone. "Well if he finds out about us, we are dead and buried so we must move quickly" suggested an elderly gangsta with a walking stick and false teeth."Very well, let's ask Jack if he'll be in charge, Jack, hey Jack". Jack was sat in a comfy looking chair, playing on a portable pac-man game. This wasn't the only game that was situated in Grissom's office, varies arcade games from the eighites where situated in there including a pin-ball machine in the far corner."Jack, Jack" called Grissom as Jack became far too engrossed with the game. "No, Pac-man you idiot, eat that ghost, go on eat him for lunch muhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha, awwwwwwww crap it got me". Grissom was now waving his hand in front of Jack's face. "JAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK" he bellowed. Jack Snapped back into reality. "What, what's happened?" he asked.

"We need you to break into Axis Chemicals and get some very important files from the office?" he explained. "Moi?" asked Jack, pointing at hiself. At that Moment, Alicia came in carrying over a hundred shopping bags from all the shops in Gotham (wow, she must me loaded). Jack gave her wink and the "call me" sign as she walked off into the next room. "Ok gents, get your arses out of here now". The men stopped what they were doing and scarpered. Jack slipped the Pac-man game in his pocket and deck of cards under his Pimp's hat.

"Look, Carl. I think you should get someone else to do this. The fumes in that joint is woah" he explained. Carl sighed and walked up to Jack. "Jack stop being such a wimp, this job is very important to me, you are my number one guy and if you fail me, you won't be. Now get out there and make me proud" he said, givng Jack a slight push. "Ok, I'm going" and he walked out as Grissom made a secretive Phone-call. "Look, he's been sleeping with my wife, I want him dead" he shouted down the phone.


	4. Dat rich guy

Dat rich guy

Dat rich guy

Wayne manor was the biggest and probably the oldest fashioned building ever created in Gotham. The guy who lived there who was known to every one as Bruce Wayne, the richest guy in town and he was holding a party of some sorts to save the festival. His big house was cramped with lots of people and Knox was doing his best to annoy everyone at the party.

"Oh come on, just one little interview?" he asked one of the guests. "No you imbecile" replied the guest who walked off. A rather old and wrinkly man came up to him and offered him a drink. "Thanks, I could do with one, oh here" he gives the old man a one dollar bill "buy yourself something nice Jeeves". The old man gives Knox the oddest stare ever. "Actually, my name is Alfred the butler, but everybody calls me Alfred" and he walked off. Vicky was at the party too and she was drunk, a little drunk for her own taste. She had been going around trying all the wines so she wasn't exactly sober and she pushing herself through a crowd of people. "Excuse, me sorry, did I just step on your foot?" She walked up to a man who was stood at the buffet table and tapped him rapidly on the back. "Excuse me, the guy with the chipolatas". The man turned around and he was remarkably handsome. "Hi sexy, can you please tell me which one of these other sexys is Bruce Wayne?" she asked as she nearly fell over. "I'm not sure" said the very attractive man. Vicky looked a little disappointed and walked off.

Gordon was at the party and was having a bit of a crisis. One of his fellow Policemen had come to inform him that there was a break in at Axis Chemicals down on Gotham Edmund street . "Why the Hell wasn't I told about this?" Gordon demanded. "I don't know. That Ecktard dude told me he was in charge, he said that one of the guys needed his ass kicking real good" informed the Policeman.

Knox and Vicky were going exploring in the big house. Knox was giving Vicky a piggy back ride into the museum room( I assume that the room with all the suits of armour is not credited as the museum room in the movie but I call it that anyway).It was full of suits of armour and other stuff.

"Look at all this stuff" Knox said in interest "who is this guy?" They were being followed by the attractive man that Vicky was talking to earlier." Look at that" said Vicky pointing at a Japanese statue "where did that ugly thing come from?" she asked. "Hey, it's not ugly it's Japanese" came a voice from behind them. Vicky and Knox turned around and saw the attractive man. "How do you know it's Japanese, Hmmmm?" asked Knox, looking at the attractive man with suspicion. "I bought in Japan" he replied. "I'm Bruce Wayne and you have entered the Museum room, please feel free to look around but don't touch anything" he said in a very detailed manner speech. "I'm Vicky Vale" said Vicky in a drunken tone, grabbing Bruce's hand and shaking it. Knox was jealous. "So, what brings you here then?" he asked as Vicky stopped shaking his hand. "I was fascinated by Knox's story on the Batman so I thought I come here to see what all is about, plus I live up town in a swanky penthouse apartment, you may feel free to come round and have………" they were interrupted by Alfred the Butler.

"Sir, I must inform you that Commissioner Gordon had to leave, something about a breaking at the old Chemical factory down Gotham Edmund Street ". Bruce nodded and turned to his guests. "I must go, for I have some very important business to attend to" and he walked off.

"That guy is odd, because he can afford to be" suggested Knox. Vicky however was in dreamland. "I'm in love" she sighed.

Bruce was in a dark, dark, room watching his zillion TVs on Gordon's discussion about the break in down Gotham Edmund street. He took of his spectacles, slowly got up and walked away.


	5. Accidents happen or do they?

Accidents happen (or do they?)

Down at Axis Chemicals that was situated down in Gotham Edmund street. Ecktard and a bunch of coppers and his little oompa loompa minions were on a mission.

"Ok, take a good look at this guy, he's the one where after" he said passing them papers which had a photo of Jack on the front and he was frowning on the photo.

"Shoot to kill, got it" he ordered. "Yes sir" came the reply. So Ectard, the coppers and his little oompa loompa minions walked in a line inside Axis Chemicals.

Jack and his companions where in the office, looking for the very important files that Grissom had send them for. He looked in the file cabinet that one of his buds had opened and relealised that it was empty.

"Guys, we've been set up" he informed. Without warning the coppers and little oompa loompa minions came in. The coppers and Jack's companions started shooting each other. Jack ran up the stairs to see if he could escape when Gordon came in and informed Ecktard that he was charge, not Grissom.

"I want him taken alive, don't shoot or I'll kill you" Gordon demanded.

Jack was running across the first catwalk when he encountered the little oompa loompa minions. "What the hell?" he asked himself and without warning the little oompa loompa minions burst into song. "oompa loompa doopety da, escaping from a chemical factory won't get you very far, oompa loompa doopada de, if you are wise you'll listen to me". Annoyed, Jack grabbed the little oompa loompa minions one by one and tossed them out the window by their ankles.

Batman had made his appearance as Jack continued to the second catwalk and all the way to the very top. He began releasing chemicals from the vats and everyone was jumping to avoid it from dissolving their shoes.

When he got to the top, he pulled out his pistol and pointed it at the unsuspecting Ecktard when Batman dramaticly dropped from behind him, knocked the gun from his hand and pulled him from the floor.

"What the hell?" he gasped as he got his first glimpse of Batman. Many others in the factory where also pointing at Batman and whispering. One of Jack's buds approached Gordon and pointed a pistol at his head. "Let him go you walking Rodent or the fat guy gets it" he shouted. Batman realised Jack who just simply said to him "Nice outfit batsy". He turned around to pick up his gun, went to shoot Batman but he had magical vanished. Instead, Jack pointed his gun at Ecktard and shouted "DIE FATTY, BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" and he pulled the trigger and shot Ecktard who fell to the floor. Like he had magical disappeared, Batman had magical re-appeared and this time, Jack was ready. He jumped around, pulled the trigger and the bullet had magically bounced off Batman and into Jack's face. He screamed and fell over the railing as Batman grabbed him and tired to pull him back up. Jack looked and saw he was dangling over a giant Vat of green goo. When he realised that Batman couldn't hold him for much longer he said "Oh, crap" and with that, he went falling and landed into the green goo stuff.

"Damn, we had him" Gordon complained then looking up the catwalk and calling to Batman "Hold it right there you" and before anyone could get him, Batman dropped a smoke capsule on the floor and flew into the sky whilst outside the factory, a white hand with green nails was rising up from the river and a bunch of cards and a broken pac-man game was floating around it.


	6. A hot date

A hot date

The next day at Gotham globe, Knox was trying to figure out what happened to that Jack dude at Axis the night before. However he doubted that it could have been something to do with Batman because Knox assumed that he was in his secret bat-lair plotting to scare the living crap out of thugs.

"Look you prick, I don't believe that there is a bat that dumped this Jack dude into the acid. So what's your thought on the matter...SUICIDE". He had shouted so loud that the people in the office stopped what they were doing to see what the god-awful noise was and the author of this story slowly sunk into a pit of embarrassment.

"Look, would it be ok if I get this interesting conversation on tape, hello, hellooooooooooo,. Oh, the bastard's hung up on me" he turned to Vicky who was looking on a map to cover the Batman sightings in the past 24 hours and what a fantastic job she was doing."So, what have you covered, sweet cheeks". Vicky promptly slapped him for that. "Don't call me" she shrieked "as for that, I'm not helping you anymore today. You can do it on your own" and with that, she got up and began gathering her coat and hat.Knox, who had been deeply traumatized, grabbed her by the wrist and begged "let me make it up for you, I'll take you to lunch".Vicky pulled her arm away to show that she wasn't interested in an annoying person who dared to walk this planet.

"I've got a date, a hot date with Bruce Wayne" and she skipped merrily out of the office whilst whistling zipa dee doo da.

About a second later after th previous scene, Vicky and Bruce where sat in this big dining room which looked like a cross between Hogwart's (Harry Potter folks, the school from Harry potter) great hall and the cabinet room in Ten Downing street. Bruce had got a chinese take-away because he loves them (well, in this version anyways) and they were both digging into some chow-mein with chopsticks.

"How do you like it?" he asked from the other end of the very long table that they were sat at. "What, sex?" Vicky called from the other end of the very long table."No, How do you like the noodles?" he called again. "Oh, they're great, spicy. Pass me that jug of water, this is burning my mouth". She began gasping because the noodles where incredibly spicy. Bruce picked up the jug of water, gave it to Vicky and watched as she began drinking the whole lot fromt he jug, the water drippling un-noticably down her chin and onto her sweater.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's better. Now I need to use the loo, where is it?" she asked. "Right, you go up the stairs, follow the left corridor, pass the statue that looks like a deformed chicken/rabbit hybrid and the toilet should be situated on your right. And then we'll go and keep Alfred company becuase he's old and old people get lonely". Vicky nodded and went to the toilet.

After she finished, the two of them where in the kitchen with Alfred, who was telling the pair of them embarrassing stories from Bruce's childhood.

"I remember one year when Bruce was six, he wanted me to swing him round the gardens by his ankles". Vicky spit her wine out from giggling and Bruce was hiding his face in his hands from shame. "I said no but he was very persasive so I grabbed him by the ankles, swung him round at a speed of 50 miles per hour. However,he wanted to go faster so I highered it to 80 miles per hour and he ended up flying from my hands and landed in his mother's best Roses. Boy did she scream. Well that's enough stories, I'm of to get some sleep, this old codger's tired" and he left Vicky and Bruce in peace.

"He's really good at telling stories about you" she said, turning round to a red-faced Bruce. "Yeah, I wouldn't be able to find my socks if I didn't have him" he replied, drinking some more wine.

"You know what, shall we have a drink and then do something later" Vicky suggested. "Ok, that's cool" Replied Bruce.

Meanwhile, in a dingy looking plastic surgeons office, Jack (hey, he's alive) was sat in this really comfortable chair and he had about 20 layers of bandage covering his head that he looked liked an eygiptian Mummy.

"Ok, let's see the results" said the chubby plastic surgeon. "Hurry up Dr Frankenstien" Jack demanded as the surgeon slowly unravelled the bandage."Oh Bugger, let me do it slow-mow" and he pushed the surgeon out of the way and unravelled the bandage. When it came off, the surgeon gasped in horror and backed away for some reason.

"Well, let me see the results, pass the mirror Frankie". Covering his eyes, the surgeon picked up a nearby mirror and gave it to Jack. He looked in it and said "oh my god, what have you done to me?" he asked. "B-but, you see that I have crappy tools, that's the best I could do" he explained. Without warning, Jack broke into hysterical and rather disturbing laughter. "What's so funny?" the surgeon wondering as Jack, still laughing, raised the mirror and smashed it agaisnt the tool table.He got up, planted a big kiss on the shocked Surgeon's lips and walked out whilst still laughing like a maniac. "Well" said the Surgeon "that makes a change for a dollar".

Back at Bruce's house, he and Vicky where now walking up the stairs.

"I'm drunk" Vicky admitted "and I don't find you more attractive than you already are". Bruce went to say something but Vicky was now snogging his face off. He tried to pull away but eventually gave in and snogged her back.


	7. the happiest place on earth

The happiest place on earth

Carl Grissom was just coming out the shower and was whistling a happy little tune because he felt like being random. He walked over to his desk to get a good drink of brandy then probaly have a couple of goes on his space invaders game.

"Ah, now that's good brandy mixed with vodka" he sighed un unision as he heard the elevator doors go. "Ah, is that you my sugar bunny covered in icing?" he asked stupidly. He turned around and saw a siloutte of a man stood at the other end of the room. "Hello, can I help you sir?" Carl asked rather stupidly. "No, you cannot help me" replied the man who's voice was familiar.

"Jack, is that you buddy/" he asked the man who supposingly was Jack. "Yes it's me" he replied followed by that crazy laugh again. "I heard you got dunked into a vat of green goo and got fried" Carl said, he wet himself.

"FRIED?" the strange man thundered "you set me up over a woman, you gruesome son of a bitch, hehehehehehe". Carl streched his arms out and tried to reason with the other guy.

"Chill out Jack old mate. Hows about we have a couple of goes on that space invaders game and then we'll watch that new A-team tape that i've got with some nachos" he suggested. "That sounds great, I'll do that later, but not with you, heeheeeheeeheee". Carl looked uneasily and the dark silouette in front of him. "Why do you say that, hmmmmmmm?". The second person giggled again. "Because, you're going to get it mate, you are gonna feel the fire hahahahahahahahahahahahaha sucker". Carl was wetting himself again (the coward) and started wheezing.

"Please, wheeze, don't kill me Jack, you're life won't be worth shit, wheezeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee". The second figure chuckled again. "I've already been dead, it's like therapy or something like that". Carl was wheezing still and replied "cut the crap wheezeeee Jack, you're setting off my Asthma you wheeze idiot".

"Jack's dead mate" the other guy replied as he stepped out into the light. Carl wheezed even harder. Surely it was Jack but he looked different.His hair was green, his face was white as his mouth was streched into the most bizzare grin. "Oh my wheeze god" Carl wheezed "what are you, who are wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezeeeeeeeee you?" he asked as his wheezing was getting worse.

"I'm the Joker and I'm a very happy person, hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe". Carl clutched his chest and had a heart attack. "Hey, I didn't need to shoot the Arsehole hahahahahahahahahahaha" and he started moonwalking on the spot before seeing if he could get a high score on the pinball machine.

Bruce and Vicky were now in bed (what did they get up to? shudders) and Vicky was talking in her sleep.

"Oh, Bruce Waybe is so sexy, he's so sexy". Bruce blushed as he listened to Vicky muttering about him. A while later, at about 3:00am, Vicky woke up and saw the side that Bruce had been sleeping on was empty. She looked across and saw him hanging upside down on some bars. "Blimey, three in the morning and already he's working out. Yummy" she said before falling back to sleep.

Meanwhile, the Joker was talking about how boring the city was to himself.

"This city is so boring and miserable, well I'll soon fix that. It will be the happiest place on earth" and he was about to laugh again when several large men in lawsuits, carrying briefcases suddenly burst in.

"Code red, code red, we have a copyright emergency" the biggest one called out. The Joker looked dumbfounded. "You" cried one of the men. "Moi?" Joker asked, pointing at himself like he did earlier.

"Yes, you with the ridiculas grin, you have stolen the tagline that is used for Disney-world and claimed using it as a tagline for Gotham city, we have no choice but to put you up agasint the big boss of Disney-world for trial" the large man informed. Smiling like an idiot, Joker pressed a secret button under the desk and 15,0000 volts of electricity were sent through the copy-right law men from Disney world until they were charred corpses.

"That won't be neceserry, thankyou for stopping by, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha".


	8. A guy get's fried

A guy get's fried

Bruce woke up the next morning on a sofa for some reason, he couldn't remember how he got there.

"How about you come back to my place for lunch and then we'll have a good time" Vicky suggested, popping up from behind the sofa and scaring the living daylight out of Bruce.

"I can't, got a very important meeting to go to. It's very important and I cannot miss it because it is very important" he replied.

"Ok, I'll call you later. Christ, I'm late for work" and she planted a kiss on his cheek and walked off. She was greeted by Alfred on her way to the entrance.

"Nice to see you" he said. "It's nice to see you to Alfie" she replied. "Don't call me Alfie please, it sounds a little gay" he protested. "Sorry" Vicky claimed innocently before walking off. Alfred dropped his walking stick and had to drop to his knees to pick it up.

Alicia had arrived with yet another horde of shopping bags, unknowing that her hubby was dead. She arrived back at her penthouse and got the ultimate shock of her life.

"Hi honey, do you like my new, creepy appearence?" Joker asked, he was playing on Super Mario. Alicia screamed, fell back, hit her head on a vase and was knocked unconcious.Joker laughed.

Back in Grissom's office, a meeting was taking place.

"Alright, listen up Assholes. I'm running this buisness whilst Grisom is down under hehehehehehehehehehehehehe and with this so called aniversary stuff and what have you going off, we'll run this city to the pits, heeheeheeeheehee". The guys in the meeting where made up of an Italian, an old age pensioner, a guy with thunderbird's eyebrows a chinese, a fat guy with a moustache and various other people.

"Why doesn't grissom tell us himself, the lazy fart-ass" the fat guy with the moustache asked. "Yeah, and why are you grinning like a pratt?" asked the guy with the thunderbird's eyebrows.

Joker was at the far end of the extremely long table. He was wearing skin-tonned make-up but he still had that evil, sinister grin. "Because I'm living the good life hehehehehehehehehhe. So, you wanna help me run this city or what?" he asked.

"No you great idiot. I'm not working with some-one who constantly grins like a bloody chesire cat" protested the guy with thunderbird's eyebrows then flipping Joker off who had just calmly got up and walked over to him.

"Well, we don't want a war now do we, so let's shake hands a put it aside" he suggested. The guy with bushy eyebrows started shaking hands with the grinning fiend and he burst into flames.

"Woah, he's on fire, now how shall I have him, regular or extra crispy?" Joker suggested as the others looked on horrified. Soon, the guy with buhsy eyebrows was now a burnt corpse.

"Mama mia, you-a fried his ass-a" wailed the italian. The old man had a fatal heart attack, the chinese started shouing and pointing in his own language, the fat guy with the moustached looked dumbfounded. The rest just sank to the floor and into a shame-pit.

The Joker's goons came running in carrying kick-ass guns, followed by a herd of screaming teenage girls in tank-tops and mini-skirts. Joker wolf-whistled as they ran passed, then a high school basketball team who bellowed "GOTHAM WILDCATS RULEZ BITCHES,YEEHAA" then running out the back.

"The guy with bushy eyebrows had a flaming experience" Joker told his goons then bursting into hysterical giggles.

"You're crazy and you're a bastard" the fat guy pointed out. Joker flipped him off then said "I'm having one hell of a good time". He started laughing again before saying "now get the hell out of here before I bust a cap in yo asses". The guys all got up and scarpered to the front door. Joker pulled one of his goons to one side.

"I want you to follow that news reporter knoxx and see what he knows about this Bat-man, also, Bob, you are my favourite goon. Now get the hell out of here". Bob the goon nodded, put on a pair of sunglasses and walked off.

Joker approached the fried corpse and started talking to it.

"You're buds ain't bad people, I think we should give them a couple of days to think it over, what?, you want to grease them now, right. You are one hell of a vicious bastard, gruesome son of a bitch and a retard. Oh and one more think, I'm glad you're dead". He then starts laughing and knocked the head of the corspe. "I'm glad you're dead" he repeated then proceeded to laugh insanley as he left the room.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine

Note: couldn't think of a title for this chapter so basicly it's chapter nine

--

Vicky was busy looking for a personal file on Bruce wayne because basicly she fancied him and wanted to know if he was married or not. If he wasn't, she would have the devious plan off giving off the idea of marriage to him if they ever got personal.

"Are you looking for this?" Knox asked after appearing out of nowhere and handing her the thing she was looking for. "Yes I am" she said, snatching it out of his hands and flicking through the pages.

"You fancy this guy or something?" he asked suspiciously. Vicky gave him the bird then said "buzz of jerk" and she threw the file back in his face and walked out. "What?" he asked, looking at the camera crew. Tim Burton buried his hands in shame.

Bruce was planning on going for a drive because he was bored and wanted to get out more. He jumped into his Orange Ford Focus and drove off completly unaware that Vicky was following him in her little red banger.

She had followed him right into down-town Gotham and she was spying on him from round the corner. "What the hell is he doing?" she wondered as he bend down and put something on the ground then walked off simply.She ran to the spot and found that he had placed two flowers on the ground. "Wow, are these for me?" she wondered. She decided to leave them there and scarpered to the town hall where a bunch of news reporters where trying to get vital infomation from gang members.

"Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla,did that Grissom Git give you his buisnesses?" asked one of the gangsters. He got a replie from the fat guy with the moustache. "That git asked me to take over the buisness until he gets back from Australia" he replied. "What do you mean he went to Australia?" asked Knox. "Because one of the members of his little fanclub told us, he said something about him being down under so basicly he's gone to Australia for a vacation".

Suddenly, without warning, the Daleks came out of the sky and started exterminating everyone and then--oops wrong parody.

Bruce was stood listening to the interviews unaware that weird guys with painted faces and berets were waltzing like baffoons around the area and some-one was taking photos of Vicky who was complety unaware that he was taking photos of her.

"Tell you what right, I smell fresh ink" said Knox, putting on a fake and pathetic yorkshire accent. One of the reporters walloped him round the head. "Stop being such a dick" he hissed. "Can you prove this?" he asked, rubbing the back of his head and putting his american accent back on. He then asked "is there any witnesses?" he asked, looking around.

"I'm a witness" said Joker who had just appeared out of nowhere. " I saw him sign the form in his own blood" he continued then turning to the fat guy with the moustache.

"Hey Vinnie, I've got a confession to make. I'm your uncle's father's, sister's, brother's,cousin's,second cousin's twice removed,fourth cousin's once removed,grandpa's, mother's,cousin's room-mate, time to pay the check" and he threw a poison pen into the fat guy's fat neck who dropped dead right away. Then the guys in berets started firing machine guns causing all the people to run in all directions. Bruce surived all the comotion and Vicky was shocked to see that he was still in town.

"Bastard" she muttered.

--

Please pardon the Dr Who reference it was just a random idea that popped up in my head :). Don't be too harsh if you review,ok?.Maybe you can give me a few tips on how to make it into a more funny parody.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Authors note: I couldn't think of a title for this chapter so it's called chapter 10 basicly.

The fat guy with the moustache was completly and utterly dead and his corspe was being kicked and prodded with sticks by small children in the background of a news report.

"Does this gang war mean that the festival is going to happen oh great mayor of Gotham city?" asked an anchor woman."Don't worry, the police will kick those gangster's asses before you can say something like, the Joker likes to wear bunny slippers or something like that" the mayor announced before attempting to stop the children kicking and prodding the fat corpse in the background. The anchor-woman turned her attention to Harvey.

"So, what do you think of the mysterious Batman scaring the crap out of all those criminals?" she asked. "No comment, I'm outta here" and he ran off. The anchor woman rolled her eyes. "Stupid nigger bwap bwap". She ripped of anchor person's clothes, revealing rapper's clothes underneath. Several black rappers appeared behind her and they began rapping when the tv screen was punched by what looked like a boxing glove device. It was then discovered that the person responsible for destroying the 156 inch wide screen tv was Joker himself.

"Why does some guy who dresses up as a fricken bat get all of my press and what the hell was the mayor talking about, I don't wear bunny slippers, they're for little girls and do I look like one of those,honestly, throw me a fricken bone here" he turned to bob, his favourite goon" you know what I think, this town needs enema". he put his pinky to his mouth and went "Muhahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha".

Alfred was cleaning around in the front room when Bruce came running and almost causing Alfred to suffer a fatal heart attack.

"Goodness me master Bruce, you were almost the death of me" he informed as Bruce flopped himself on the leather couch. "That Vale girl called earlier and she sounded a little concerned. I think she brightens the place up when she comes here" he said. Bruce gave the old man an odd glare. "You want to marry her or something?" he asked. Alfred looked gobsmacked. "That is most certainly out of the question Master Bruce, you shall be punished for saying something like that". he went to hit Bruce over the head with his walking stick but got a god awful pain in his back. "Ooof, my back" he groaned, clutching his bad back "go and sit down Alfred" Bruce ordered. "Right away master Bruce" replied Alfred, still clutching his poor back.

On the other side of gotham, Vicky was in her swanky and spacious penthouse apartment talking to Knox on the phone. "Hi Allie, can you please find out what's so special about the gang wars or something like that" she ordered "and do it now" she screamed before slamming the phone down. She then picked up a rather attractive photo of Bruce Wayne and started doodling little love hearts around him whilst singing "oh Bruce Wayne, I love you, oh yes I do-oooooh, Bruce Wayne, the sexiest man to ever walk the earth ooooooo-errrrrrrrrrrr yeah". She kissed the photo and placed it in her little scrap book then she realised that he had lied to her about leaving town so she ripped it from the scrapbook and began ripping it to shreds."Grrrrrr, I hate you, stupid liar" she grunted as she destroyed the photo.

Back in his secret lair,Joker was also doodling on photos, drawing silly moustaches and glasses on famous people that he had cut out from magazines.

"La la la la la, bwap, bwap,bwap, dododododododododododod" he sang as he cut up a photo of a young Tom Cruise up into little pieces as Bob came walking in and interupted his fun time.

"Bob, how dare you interupt me when I'm ripping Tom Cruise to shreds" Joker barked. "I got the photos" informed Bob. Joker grabbed the photos from the stupid goon and looked through them.

"Who is that geek?" he asked, gesturing to a photo of Knox who was doing some kind of pose like a gay person. "That's knox, the news reporter, well known for being annoying"bob informed.

"He has no style, what a geeky geek" said Joker, chopping knox's head off from the photo and coming across the next one which was Vicky Vale. "Woah, who's the hot chick, she's so hot" said Joker as he eyed the photo up. "That's Vicky Vale, she's the bitch who's working with knox". Joker bitch-slapped bob to the moon and back. "How dare you call this extremely attractive woman a bitch" he barked. Suddenly, a clown-robot came marching in carrying a cup of coffee.

"I-have-bought-you-a-cup-of-coffee" the clown-robot spazzed. "Mine" said Joker, grabbing the coffee from the clown-robot who began to sizzle electric sparks.

"Mal-func-tion, I am malfunctioning" it screeched before blowing up.

"Damn, what a cheap waste,now get me that girl's number you moron". Bob obeyed and left as Joker began dancing with the Photo whilst snogging it.

--

Please pardon the whole Clown-robot thing, it was just a random idea that popped up in my head as I was writing this, plus I need reviews, I need to know what you reckon. So, if you happen across this, can you pretty please leave a review but not any flames, just decent reviews telling me what you reckon. Thanks folks.Also, did you notice my little Dr evil reference that i put in (grins insansely, kinda like the Joker).


	11. when death goes with a smile

When death goes with a smile

Strange things were starting to happen around Gotham, people were dropping dead with really big grins on their faces. It wasn't long when the whole situation was being spread on the news.

"And, the latest victims are models Candy walker and Amanda keeler" spoke the anchor-woman " it was rumored that both girls were in a night-club doing drugs and that there death was caused by that, but no-one knows as to why both girls were found dead with a grin, now let's go over to peter for more news".

"Thankyou Becky, as you know that it could be impossible for the festival to happen because of-I've just recieved news about another mysterious death, three people were found dead in a beauty parlour earlier today and, Becky what so funny?". Becky, the anchor-woman had started giggling for some was getting annoyed with her now.

"For gods sake Becky, this isn't a laughing matter " he barked, but she continued to laugh until she fell of her chair and onto the floor. The news team screamed and starting rioting about. Only one had his attention focused on some commercial that had came on.

"You guys, I think you better take a look at this" he said. The news-team stopped scrapping and gathered around the tv screens. It was showing some kind of supermarket place.

"Oh, wonder what wal-mart's got on sale this week" said a random person. Peter slapped him. "Becky is dead and all you care about is the sales at wal-mart".

"Stop fighting you two" said one guy "and look at the tv". The news crew gathered around the screen where an excited giggle could be heard as a blur of green and purple came zooming by on a shopping trolley and crashed into a pyramid of canned beans.

"I'm ok" came the muffled voice from under the cans "are we on air yet?".

"Yes sir" came a second voice. Whoever had crashed into the baked beans managed to pull themselves up and faced the camera. It was Joker.

"Are you folks always feeling down?" he asked, pointing at the camera.

"What is that idiot doing on tv?" asked one of the news team.

"How the hell am I supposed to know" replied another person.

"Not getting enough happiness in life, well heres the thing that can just put a smile on your face, hehehehehe". He pulls out some silver bottle with a cartoon version of himself on it.

"These new Joker products are the latest craze that is sweeping Gotham" he announced as he danced around the supermarket " and it has a new secret ingedient, Smylex" he added.

"I think we found the culprit behind those deaths" Peter added. The commercial had now gone to a guy tied to a chair.

"Ooooooooooh" Joker said as he came into view " this fellow looks unhappy, that's because he's using the wrong brand". He pulls out a box labelled THE WRONG BRAND.

"All he needs is the new Joker brand and then he'll be smiling". He whips out the silver bottle and shoves it in the other guys mouth, giggling insanley.

"Come on, get that down you, let's show the folks at home how good this stuff is" he said excidetly as the screen faded to black. It came back into view a few seconds later and the guy was now a grinning corspe.

"See folks, see how happy this stuff makes you" Joker squealed practicly then dancing about again to a group of children. "Plus, we've got some stuff for the kiddies too, Joker candy which of course has Smylex too". He gives the children some lollipops. "These will make the kids happy, hahahahahaha". A few minutes later the children were giggling as the screen faded to black and then came back on.

"See" Joker said, gesturing to the now grinning corpses of the children "see how happy these kids are". He picks up a small girl about ten and holds her up in front of the camera "even this little girl thinks so" he throws the corpse aside.

"So, order today on 02383848746562JOKERISCOOL and we'll throw in a free T-shirt with every item you purchase" he holds up a white t-shirt with his face on it and the words I LOVE JOKER PRODUCTS on it.

"So, folks, let's put on a happy face" and he starts dancing away.

Bruce Wayne had just seen the commercial and he had been weirded out by it. Alfred came hobbling in.

"Here's the papers you needed" he said, accidently dropping them to the floor. "Oh, I'm so sorry sir" he said, bending down to pick them up. But he hurt is back because he's old.

"Oooooooooh, my back" he said as he pulled himself up.

"Alfred" Bruce stated "fancy going shopping?"

"What, with a bad back?" asked Alfred in a annoyed tone.

"Take some hyprofen and you'll be fine?" Bruce suggested. "Ok sir" replied Alfred.


	12. the unexpected date

The unexpected date

The Mayor of Gotham was still determined to have the festival and was pushing Harvey into finding out on what Joker was using to kill the people.

"Shut up you bastard, I'm trying to work on it if you stop getting in my face and breathing your onion and garlic breath all over me,you garlic eater" he snapped. The mayor started crying and ran out of the room. "That Harvey Dent is a two-faced bastard,one minute he's nice, the next he's an arsehole" the mayor wailed.

Elsewhere in the wonderful world of Gotham, Vicky had left Bruce a message on his answering machine in which Alfred took.

"Bruce, I tried calling you but I couldn't get through, I just wanted to say that I'll be ten minutes late coming to the musuem. I hope you bring your hot pants". After the message had finished playing, Alfred called Bruce to inform him.

"But Alfred, I'm not meeting her today" Bruce insisted. "Honestly sir, she said so, she told you to bring your hot pants" Alfred replied.

"But, I don't have any hot pants" the rich handsome guy said. Alfred farted. "Alfred, have you been at the baked beans again?" Bruce shouted.

"I'm afraid so sir" Alfred replied "I got hungry".

"Darnit" said Bruce "and that wast he last tin too".

Meanwhile, Joker was fooling around with ladies makeup. He was making his face look normal again because he was going into the public.

"Jaaaaaaaaaack, wheeeeeeeeereeeee are you gooooooooiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnng?" asked Alicia who had some porcilean mask over her face and in slow monotone.

"Just meeting some one baby, hahahahahahaha. Now make me a sandwich" Joker replied.

"Oooooooookaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy" Alicia replied.

Vicky had arrived at Gotham's art museum and was surprised to see that Bruce wasn't there.

"Can I get you anything?" the waiter asked. "Sure, a coke if you please my fine fellow" she said. A few minutes late he arrived with a can of cola and a small package.

"This just arrived for you" the waiter announced. Vicky took the parcel and saw a message written on it.

Put this on right now and you will not die.

A little nervous, she opened the package and took out an oxygen mask.

"What the...?" she muttered. Before she could say anymore, purple smoke that coming out of the air vents so she had to quickly put the mask to her face. She started breathing like Darth vader and the other people in the museum where dropping dead. A few seconds later, Joker and his homies came through the doors and saw all the dead bodies.

"Right guys, let's get wrecking this joint" the forever grinning fiend announced then turning to one of the homies "now where's the music". The homie then started fidling around with the ghetto blaster that he had bought with him and that point, they couldn't decide on which song to play.

"I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world" the blaster sang.

"No, not that one, anyone but that" Joker shrieked, placing his hands over his ears.

"I like big butts and I cannot lie" came the next song.

"No, I don't like that one either" Joker announce "try the next one".

"oompa loompa doopety doo".

"Oh for godsakes, I hate those little demons" he bellowed "go to next song"

About 20 more songs later.

Joker and his homies where now trashing the museum and acting like a bunch of deliquents and Vicky had witnessed it all.

"No bob, do not wreck this potrait" Joker said. He had just seen Bob about to slash a painting of Amy Winehouse swimming in skulls. "I like this one". He then turned around and saw Vicky sitting there watching him and breathing like Darth vader.

"Oh yeah" he said, slicking his hair back and walking towards the table.

"I think it's safe to take that off now" he said. "Are you sure?" came the muffled voice behind the mask.

"Oh yeah, go on it's safe now". Vicky took off the mask and threw it on the table.

"Is this your work?" Joker asked, looking through Vicky's portfolio without permission.

"Hey" Vicky shrieked " hands off ". But Joker was flicking through it at a rapid pace.

"crap, crap,crappy,ooooooooh,crap,know any words for double crap?". He flicked through it for ages until he found something interesting. A page on dead bodies.

"oh, now that's what I call good work" he giggled. "I think it's creepy" Vicky replied simply.

"Oh I don't think" Joker inisted then drinking Vicky's cola which annoyed her to hell.

"Don't you have any manners?" She asked. "Not really" Joker replied then burping.

"let me tell you what I want" he inisted going to sit next to her. "What do you want?" Vicky asked.

"I want my face on the one dollar bill" Joker replied.

"You must be joking" Vicky said.

"DO I LOOK LIKE I'M JOKING?" he bellowed so loudly that several cats in the alley behind the museum had stopped briefly what they were doing to see where that god awful noise was coming from.

"Sorry, but I'm going to show you something" he announced "Bob, get Alicia".

Suddenly, the Riddler appeared and started dancing around the table.

"Who's he?" Joker asked. "I don't know. He one of yours?" Vicky asked.

"I'm the Riddler" the Riddler said.

"What?" Vicky asked in confusion.

"Hang on a minute" Joker said "let me just check the script, I'm sure that the Riddler isn't in this one." He started flicking through the pages.

"Aha" he said "I knew it".

"What is it?" the Riddler asked "have I screwed up my lines?".

"Excuse me for a minute" Joker sighed as he got up and took the Riddler to one side.

"I'm sorry to say so, but you don't appear in this movie" he explained. The Riddler slapped his forehead.

"Ooops, wrong movie" and he went as quickly as he came.

Bob came back with Alicia who was still wearing the mask.

"Why is she wearing a mask?" Vicky asked. "She's going to show you right now. Alicia, take off your mask". Alicia sat in front of Vicky and removed her mask. One side of her face was fine but the other side was horribly scared making her look like a female version of future villain Two-face. This scared vicky that she got up to run but Joker went after her.

"What do you think?" he asked. Vicky got out a baseball bat and started swinging it at him.

"Stay away from me" she ordered. "Come on now, put the bat down" Joker said. He now had her backing up a staircase.

"I mean it, stay away from me" she ordered.

"Now now miss vale, let's not try anything silly now" he said.

"Go away, I mean it" she barked. "Come on miss vale, give me the bat,give me the bat". Suddenly, Batman came crashing through the roof.

"Here's the bat" he spoke in a low rasping voice.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

He pulled Vicky towards him and then he used a grapple hook to make them go sailing through the air.

"Hold on" he told Vicky who screamed like a bitch. "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE".

"It's that moron who dresses up as a walking rodent" Joker told his goons "get after him and bring back the blonde chick". The goons then proceeded to chase after Batman who had now escaped in his batmobile with Vicky in tow.

"Aiiieeeeeeee, what was that?" she wailed as a bullet hit the back of the batmobile.

"Shut up, I'm tryting to drive" Batman ordered. Vicky covered her head for protection as another bullet hit the mobile again.

"STOP YOU WALKING CREATURE OF THE NIGHT AND HAND OVER THE GIRL"one goon shouted. Batman turned a corner and parked the batmobile.

"Let's get out of here" he said. Vicky climbed out of the Batmobile and ran with Batman down an alleyway with the goons in hot pursuit.

"How much do you weigh?" he asked Vicky. "I'm not sure" replied Vicky in a nervous tone. "Think" Batman suggested.

"Ok, erm 108" she replied. "Ok fair enough, hold on". He grabbed Vicky and he once again got out his trusty grapple hook and they were flying from the ground.

"Grab the thing on my awesome belt" he ordered. "Which thing?" Vicky asked.

"This yellow thing, grab it" said Batman " and whatever you do, don't let go". Vicky did so and now she was flying upwards towards the roof of a nearby building, screaming as Batman fell to the ground below and landed in front of the goons, on his feet.

"All right you lot, prepare to have your asses kicked" Batman announced then beating the hell out the goons one by one. The only one left who hadn't had his ass kicked was Bob.

"Come here" said Batman, beckoning for Bob to come foreward.

"On second thought I'll think I'll stay here thankyou" Bob replied who was stood behind some garbage cans.

"You scared or something?" Batman quizzed. "No, I just like the smell of garbage, I'm addicted to it" Bob lied. "Yeah right, come and fight me you coward" Batman teased. "How about noooooooo" Bob replied in a slow tone. Suddenly, his phone started ringing. It was playing the nokia tune.

"Who's this?" he muttered as he fumbled around with the phone "oh it's the boss" he turns to Batman "mind if I take this call?".

"No" Batman thundered "I want to kick your ass".

"It's my erm boss, I should answer" Bob said. "Ok" sighed Batman.

"Hello?" Bob spoke. "YOU CAUGHT THE BAT YET?" came the loud voice of Joker from the other end.

"No boss, I'm in the men's room at the minute" Bob lied. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DRINK TOO MUCH SODA BEFORE WE LEFT" came the angry voice on the other end. "I'm sorry boss, as soon as I've finished in the men's room, I'll deal with the bat" and he hung up and ran off.

"That's right, keep running you coward" Batman called after him. He shrugged and went to fetch Vicky who was giggling.

"What's so funny?" Batman demanded. "The look on that goon's face when he encountered you" Vicky giggled. Batman nodded and ushered her forward.

"You wanna go for a ride in my car?" he asked Vicky "I'll get you to safety".

"Well I can't be any danger now, you beat the hell out of those guys" Vicky said. "Yeah, but the Joker could come after you himself" Batman suggested. "Oh yeah, I didn't think about that" Vicky muttered.

A few moments later, the Batmobile was speeding through the country side.

"Where are we going?" she asked. "Hold on to your seatbelts, we're going to go faster" batman announced and suddenly the batmobile picked up speeded and once again, Vicky was screaming and shut her eyes.

As soon as the Batmobile stopped, Vicky felt herself being pulled out. She opened her eyes and found herself stood in the Batcave.

"Follow me and don't disturb the bats or they'll rip your hair out"he ordered. Vicky did as she was told and followed Batman up a flight of stairs.

" What are you tryign to figure out in here?" Vicky asked.

"Well, I figured out that all products that have the Joker's stupid smylex stuff in is only dangerous when it's mixed. So if some one used hairspray mixed with lipstick and perfume then that could be toxic" he explained.

"ooooh, how did you figure this out?" Vicky wondered. " It's top secret and I'll need you to give this to the press" he said, handing her some files.

"I don't think I'll be able to do that. Alot of people in this town think you're just as dangerous as the Joker, they say that you work together" Vicky suggested.

"I don't associate with Phycos" batman declared. "Well" Vicky continued " some people say that you're the same".

"How dare they, I'm doing them a favour" Batman thundered so loudly that rocks fell from the ceiling and one hit Vikcy on the head thus knocking her out.

"Oh shit" said Batman simply.


	14. Intruder at Vicky's

Intruder at Vicky's

The next day, Vicky woke up in her own bedroom in her swanky penthouse apartment with a banging headache.

"Damn, this the worst hang over I've ever had, what did I do last night?" she wondered as she rolled onto her back and discovered her camera was missing.

"Damn, Batman stole my camera, hey I remember what happened last night". Just then, the phone rang and Vicky who was still lied on her back, reached to answer it.

"Hello?" she groaned. "Vicky, it's Knox, why arn't you at work?" Knox asked from the other end.

"I'm sick, I've got a headache" Vicky replied. "Should I come over?" he asked.

"No Allie it's alright. Oh Allie, if I bring something to you can we make the evening edition?" she asked.

"Is it hot?" he asked. "yeah it is, bye" and she slammed the reciver down.

"NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR VACUUMS, NOW STOP BOTHERING ME" Joker screamed down the phone as Bob entered.

"Hey boss, I think you should see this" he said, switching the tv on to the news.

"There has been some news that Batman has somehow cracked the Joker's posion code" the news reported announced. Joker spat his coffee out in anger.

"That big-assed freak" he declared, taking out a kick-ass machine gun and blasting the tv with ducked under the table as bits of glass flew everywhere.

Meanwhile, back in the batcave, Alfred was trying to convince Bruce to reveal his Batman identity to Vicky.

"She might scream or slap me" Bruce said. "Oh be a big man Bruce and tell her" Alfred advised. "Ok, don't be pushy" and he picked up his coat and left the house.

He arrived at Vicky's apartment and knocked on the door.

"Coming" came vicky's voice from inside. He waited and waited and waited and waited and waited until Vicky finally answered the door.

"You took your sweet time" he said.

"I was doing a world record, to be the slowest to answer a door" she replied. Bruce gave her an odd stare. "Okay. Can I come in?". Vicky didn't say anything this time and let him in.

"This place is nice" he said as he walked into her large apartment " loads of space. Look Vicky there's somethings I need to tell you". Without warning, Vicky turned around and bitch-slapped him( how dare she slap Batman)

"YOU LIAR" she screamed. "What are you talking about?" Bruce asked, rubbing his face."You said you was leaving town but I saw you on the day you were supposed to leave town" she barked, walking away from him. "Well, let me tell you why" he said as he chased after her.

"No, I don't want any excuses you jerk". Getting annoyed, Bruce pushed Vicky into an armchair. "Just shutup and let me explain. You know how someone has a different life, well that's what I have" he began.

"Oh my god, you're married, I can't believe I slept with a married man" she muttered."No, I'm not married" he announced "that's not it".

"Well, what is it then?" Vicky asked. "See the thing is i'm the..." he was cut off by a knock on the door. "Oh damn, I better answer that" she said getting up "if it's that darn vacuum's sale guy again I'm going to tell him where the shove it" and she did her record of being slow to answer a door again as Bruce practised his different ways of telling Vicky he is Batman.

She walked slowly to the door and opened it very very slowly.

"Heeeeeeeeeere's Joker" Joker screamed beofre walking in. "Hey, I didn't say you could come in" Vicky said but he had grabbed her by the wrist. "Now now, you shouldn't be rude to your guests now" he sneered before dragging her into the front room. Bruce had hidden in the bedroom.

"You should really get some manners you know" Vicky said as he roughly shoved her to one side. "Well, that's no way to treat a lady" she squeaked. Bruce was planning his entrance.

"You know Alicia?" Joker asked. Vicky nodded. "She's dead, she fell out the window, fifty floors down".

"Did she fall or was she pushed?" Vicky asked, not sure she believed him. Joker didn't say anything, instead he just laughed like a girl when Bruce made his entrance.

"Well, well who's the pretty boy?" Joker asked when he saw Bruce.

"That's Bruce" Vicky said.

"Wayne, Bruce Wayne" Bruce replied, walking towards the Villain.

" Ha, like your James bond impression Brucey but I've got some buisness to settle with Miss Vale" Joker replied, giving Vicky a wink but in response, she rolled her eyes.

"Look, just back off her and leave" Bruce ordered. Joker looked like he was about to say something but instead pulled out a pistol.

"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" he asked, pointing the pistol at Bruce.

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT"Bruce snarled, whipping out a frying pan.

"What are you going to do with that?" Joker asked, inditcating the frying pan.

"Making bacon" Bruce replied. The others looked weirded out.

"You hungry or something?" Joker asked. "Yeah I am. Anybody else want some bacon?" Bruce asked. Everyone raised their hands. "Ok then, I'll make you all some bacon".

They all ate Bacon.

"So, where were we before you decided to cook some bacon?" Joker asked Bruce with a mouthful of bacon.

"I think it was something about dancing with the devil" Bruce replied. "Oh yeah" said Joker "have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?".

"What?" asked Bruce in a confused tone "Well, that's the sort of question I ask someone before I kill them" Joker replied before shooting old Brucey. Vicky screamed and threw her plate in the air. Bacon flew everywhere. Bob clasped his hand over Vicky's mouth to shut her up.

"Never rub another man's rhubarb" he said to Bruce then proceeded to drag Vicky out of the living room.

"I really think you should go to manner school" Vicky suggested. "Why?" Joker asked.

"Well, I don't think dragging a lady is a sign of good manners is it?" she asked, placing her hands on her hips.

"Listen up, I'm the villain here and we don't have any good manners. Now, seeya" and with that, Joker skipped happily out the door. Vicky then went to check to see if Bruce was ok but he had vanished.

"What?" Vicky asked herself in confusion. She went to the place where he had fallen and found a silver tray with a bullet hole through it.

"Oh, he must have used the tray for protection" she muttered to herself then cleaned up all the bacon and bits of broken plate with a vacuum cleaner which broke down.

"Damit, guess I'll have to get a new vacuum cleaner. I'll see if that vacuums sale guy is still available".


End file.
